A little place called Wadsworth

I am the byproduct of a Midwest (yes I know Ohio isn't really the "West" but I did not draw up the regional divisions of the United States) middle class, suburban town/city/not really sure.  

We had block parties growing up, the neighborhood kids would play games across everyone's backyard till the street lights came on, fathers would wave to each other as they made passes with the lawn mower, high school kids would babysit elementary kids from around the corner, you went to church, you knew your neighbors and everyone would gather for the big events.   

It's what you'd picture when you say 'small-town America' and it is where I come from.

I love that I'm from there.  I love that I had that upbringing.  I loved visiting it when I was home for a few days in February.

 

My visit home was great.  

Saturday (2/18) - I got in after an easy, uneventful ~20 hrs in transit, was greeted by my mom at baggage claim, picked up by my dad curbside (no cat in the car!! I keep telling them to bring Chloe but they never listen!! >.<), gave Heather a quick ring on the phone and headed for home.  The rest of the day was passed with family; mainly me on the couch in a state like this...

Sunday (2/19) - My parents hosted a 'Welcome Home' gathering for friends and neighbors.  The food was piled high in both the dining room and kitchen with endless scores of cookies being brought by family friends!!  It was great to see everyone and eat home cooked dishes!

A few of my best friends from high school came by too!  L-R: Kirsten, me, Brittany and Maryanne (she's since had her baby!!)

Monday (2/20) - I met with Brittany and Maryanne and her daughter Olivia (not the one in her belly, that one is Aubrey) for breakfast - a treasured tradition of ours.  Except this time we couldn't go to our favorite spot - Bob Evan's, their food is delicious by their service is s--l--ooooo--w - because Maryanne had to get back to Toledo for a doctor's appointment.  Following my second breakfast (I had woken up at 4am and had 1st breakfast then ^^), Heather and I went shopping.  We went to TWO malls.  Korea doesn't have malls like in America, so it was fabulous (and expensive) to wander around proper stores, western styles and size ranges based for people of non-tiny-Asian-decent.

Tuesday (2/21) - I can't recall what happened this day.  I think I spent most of it on the couch again...

That night I went out for another beloved tradition - wings and beers with Jaymie and Kate!!!

These two came into my life when I moved back to Ohio after living in DC.  I didn't even want to stay in America, I had been doing serious research to move away for a few months to do a WWOOF exchange to repair the damages all the hostility and anger DC had exposed me too. Perhaps not willing to let me go, my mom suggested I look for a job around home, my dad suggested I connect the local universities and see about an internship.  I did both, got both and didn't leave Ohio.  But as I said Kate and Jaymie came into my life.  We were co-workers at a dog shop.  Me, a diehard cat lady, was working in a dog shop!  I don't think it helped me fit in right away, but soon we all fell in love and became great friends!!  The only down side to seeing them was that I wasn't able to drive.  So like a really cool kid, I had to have my dad pick me up, and due to that I wasn't able to stay out very late.  It was still amazing to see them!! and the wings were just as good as always!

Wednesday (2/22) - My parents and I drove up to Michigan - Ohio's rival to the north - to see my mom's side of the family.  I hadn't seen some of this for a very long time so it was wonderful to be able to spend the entire day with them, sharing stories, laughing at jokes and hearing about how everyone's lives have changed while I've been away.  You would think I wouldn't need to hear this stuff, that my mother would share bits and pieces as they took place, but my mother tends to act as a dam of information - she collects it, but she also doesn't let it go. ^^ 

Thursday (2/23) - More of this...

See the full gallery on Posterous

But at night it was this!!!!

OMG I love the sushi at Kasai.  It is one of Kirsten's and my amazing traditions.  I love it.  I love it.  I love it.  

Friday (2/24) - Saturday (2/25) - STEFANIE CAME TO VISIT! <3  Stef and I became friends freshman year of college when my dad said hello to her while we were both waiting to get our room keys during early move-in for volleyball.  Never in my life would I want to be on a reality TV show, but had a camera crew been around to tape even 5% of the madness we had together in college I'd never stop laughing.  She's amazing and I miss her in life so it was incredible to be able to spend real time with her talking and discussing everything and nothing about our lives, life and all the good, bad and ugly in Hollywood!

Sunday (2/26) - I went to the beloved Walmart to pick up a few goods for friends back in Korea.

Needless to say it was quite a haul!  I packed it all in my suitcase along with everything else in preparation for the next day's flight. :-/  Later in the evening Kirsten came over to watch the Oscar's

Monday (2/27) - After 10 too short days at home it was time to head to the airport and make my way back to Korea.  I was expecting another departure like my first, but thanks to the kind Delta check-in attendant I didn't have time for that.  

I had walked up to the counter expecting the kind lady to gladly and warmly help me check in for my flight.  However, this was not so.  What she did do was point me to the self-check in station so that I could leave her to continue sitting as she was.  But alas I did not have or know any of the three items of information you could supply to check in at the self-check in station so she had to get up off her lazy ass and help me.  Thankfully she did though, because my first flight was delayed which would have meant I missed my connecting flight to Japan and so on to Korea.  We went back to the counter (where I wanted to start this process (&@&*%^**!$#I_@*$@) and she looked up alternative means for me to make all of my flights.  What she came up with was an immediate departure for Minnesota which left me with SECONDS to say goodbye to my family, cut the line and quickly make my way to my gate before the jetbridge was pulled away from the plane!  I was able to make the plane but a quick hug and short 'I love yous' was all I was able to exchange with my family.  Not really the send off I was looking forward to when facing another year apart.  

 

But for as fun and wonderful as it was to be at home - seeing friends, eating American food, shopping and moving around in all the old familiar ways - it was also a bit choking.  

It's difficult to explain.  Moreover, it's difficult to explain in a way that fully makes sense to a person that isn't experiencing the same constrictions of being a 'should-be' adult emerging into life while struggling to find that life.  

I'm 26 with a degree and life experiences (that are amazing), but where will they lead me?  So far they've led me all over the world with one idea after another as to what I want for my life/future.  

In college I had no idea.  I was there just living.  Enjoying my life, my friends, some of my classes and functioning unscaled by the troubles of tomorrow.  But then tomorrow came - I graduated - and I cried, balled my eyes out really, over a really nice steak while my family looked on scared by this sudden outburst of emotional collapse that I was feeling.  Life as I knew it was over.  What was I going to do next.  

The standard idea in America says that next you should: get a good job, settle into a career, find your perfect someone, make babies and carry on as you do.  

All my friends are doing it!  Facebook tells me everyday that someone I know is either loving their job, getting married to their best friend or popping out another kid!  

Think I'm over exaggerating? Look at this photo again...

• Kirsten - Loves her job.  Married.  In the process of buying a house.  Owns a dog.


• Brittany - Is a teacher (so she loves her job on days when the kids aren't crazy - like any of the rest of us working in education).  Married.  Owns a home.  Owns a dog.


• Maryanne - Loves her job.  Married.  Has 2 babies.  Owns a home.  Owns a dog.


• me - . . .

I'm by NO means complaining about my life.  I'm fine where I am, but my point is that at home a person in my situation can easily feel choked by these unsaid, subconscious pressures that exist in society, a family, my head - wherever they are coming from I feel them when I'm at home. 

At home I feel that since I haven't stepped into the role of the typical American adult nor is what I'm doing with my life very common amongst the people from home, there seems to be an IDK factor.  I don't know what you're doing.  I don't know where you're going.  So IDK what do with you.  IDK factor (dibs on copyright, I just made this up).

And I'm sure anyone reading this would say it's just me.  It's only me who feels this way.  And yes!  It might be that way!  But because I do feel this way I can say that I feel choked and separated and displaced; and that when I'm at home I feel that because I don't know where I'm going or really what I'm doing past the current week or month, that the role and expectations for me and of me revert to a Meagan that people can easily and comfortably place into a category with which they are familiar.

 

In "small-town America" everyone seems so grounded, warm and truly invested in one another.  It's a place to grow up, a place to have a young family and a place to be a settled adult.

Check to the first.  Nowhere near the next two.  So Wadsworth I love you, but I just can't come back to you.  When the time comes for me to leave Korea and settle back in America it won't be Wadsworth,  IDK if it will even be Ohio.  I need to find my role first, find my place.